Respect Yourself

This Keep Cup distributed at O-Week for Session 2, and the Respect Now Always seminar we had a few days after that, is what prompted me to write this entry.

A few months ago I believe I was sexually harassed by my employer. Notice how I said "believe" - because it's so hard to say that something was more than what you thought it was. I want to share this experience with anyone who might've experienced (or witnessed) any form of sexual harassment. This isn't something people are usually comfortable talking about (even I myself am not that comfortable talking about it) but I think we should.

Words and actions can be interpreted and misinterpreted in many ways, and it is this exact reason why I doubted myself and was embarrassed during the times it was happening. I couldn’t bring myself to share it with anyone for fear that I could’ve been overacting, that I was wrong, and that I wouldn’t be listened to anyway.

This is quite a sensitive topic and I feel like a part of me even got traumatized by it. As I said to our HR person upon leaving the company, I am sharing this if it could help someone in the future to realize that they are being put in that kind of situation, to know how to avoid it, and to know that it is okay to speak up about it. Below is an account of some of the things that happened during those times. (Reading this I am still partly cringing at everything). I will leave details out and generalize for confidentiality purposes.

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This report explains the doubtful physical and verbal incidents of Person A to Person B, most of which happened during company trips for rural projects with no other accompanying employees. Told from Person B's point of view. Person A has explained his side and admitted his inappropriate and unprofessional actions. I have explained to him that I have forgiven him for the past incidents but it seems I have been traumatized by these experiences and cannot forget them even after 2 months. I am writing this to serve as a written record as reference, in case he attempts to do the same to other women employees in the future. These incidents began as we shared our personal stories with each other, including happy and painful memories with family, career and friends, that lead to quite sensitive conversations, some of which ended in tears. I admit my mistake of opening up information about myself that should not be discussed with professional colleagues. However, I felt he took advantage of my vulnerability and used it as an excuse to justify his actions. Below are the highlights of these incidents: PHYSICAL:

1. Upon sharing family problems I experienced in the past, I cried in the boat we were riding and he hugged and kissed me on the head. 2. He would ask me to share more family stories to him, and during these conversations, he would either get my hand and put it around his waist, hug me, and/or hold my hand for long periods of time. 3. On the plane, he would lean his head on my shoulder. 4. One other time I cried to him in the plane after sharing a sensitive topic about my family, he hugged me, wiped my tears, and kissed me on the cheeks. 5. Upon finding out about my scholarship, he surprised me to an expensive lunch at a very nice resort. 6. After dinner, he would always invite me for a chat at a common area of the hotel we are staying in. (We never checked in the same hotel room, nor did he ever try to enter my room.) One time, after talking for a while, he asked if I wanted to read the Gospel and I agreed. While reading, he pulled me closer to him and put his arm around my waist. 7. He would inappropriately massage my back voluntarily. 8. He would place his arm on my leg out of nowhere. VERBAL:

A. Inappropriate stories that had nothing to do with me: 1. He would share stories with me that he used to counsel "hundreds of girls" from a school. He would give them private retreats, just him and a girl in a private hotel and they would share very sensitive past experiences with him, like being raped by a friend. 2. He shared that in one "session" in the past, a girl (in a private room) asked him to remove all his clothes (and he did) to prove to him that she was not attracted to boys. 3. He shared a story with me that there was a random flight attendant before that wanted him to be the father of her child. He was open to the idea of having a kid with that woman and so was his wife (according to him), but did not agree in the end because the woman didn't want their kid to be in contact with him in the future, if ever. 4. He shared with me that his wife got a ligation, so he got a vasectomy, and doesn't regret it because sex feels even better. Although he would have wanted more children because he loves children. B. Actual inappropriate conversations with me:

1. He asked me where I would want him to take me "anywhere in the world, just tell me where" after telling him I had always wanted to go to The Holy Land, Africa, and Italy. 2. After telling him I hate it when guys hit on me, he said: "well, you are very easy to love. In fact, if I had met you when I was still around your age, I would have wanted you to be the mother of my children." 3. He would over compliment me, telling me how beautiful I am and how much I deserved all the good things in life. 4. He said that he would sponsor my scuba diving certification without me asking for it. 5. He was obsessed with my problems and troubles and said that he will "help me." He even mentioned that he loved hearing about people suffering and wanted to "help them." 6. When my sister was home for vacation he offered her an all-expense paid trip just so I could go on the business trip with him. "You need not join me if she is still here then unless she wants to come along. If so I will pay for her plane fare and all her expenses for a stay in the resort so you and her can bond together as well. Only if ok for both of you." 7. He gave me a special book with a note, saying how much he loves and cares about me.

8. After telling him that I love kids and that I’m a frustrated indigenous person, he asked me if I wanted to adopt an indigenous child with him and we can raise him/her together. He even made me shake his hand on it. I was speechless. I did not share these experiences during those times as I did not wish to accuse him in case I was wrong. I did not want this to affect my work and continued to respect him for the sake of our professional relationship. Upon consultation with our HR, she advised me that this is grounds for sexual harassment. I have noticed the quick change in his attitude towards me after our confrontation. He seemed very fond of me before the confrontation and always wanted to be around me even if I was not necessary in some meetings. Now, he does not include me in meetings even for the projects that he previously asked me to handle. He has changed his professional attitude towards me and I think my confrontation was a big factor in this. I am submitting this document in confidence to our HR Department, to serve as a supporting document for future reference, in case similar incidents occur between him and other women in the future; I would like this to support any woman that would defend herself against him for similar incidents. I am not pressing charges for myself for the incidents stated above as this matter has been settled between me and him previously.

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From this whole experience I have realized that:

1. You may think you know someone, but you can be very wrong

2. Professional distance is important when dealing with colleagues

3. Sexual harrassment is anything that makes you feel uncomfortable

4. It is a two-way thing - with every instance I could have stopped it simply by asking him to

5. Never doubt yourself

This is a poster I saw on the wall of Gold's Gym in Robinsons Galleria:

To anyone who can identify with at least one of the things I wrote, don't be afraid to speak up and don't ever doubt yourself. If the other person doesn't know how to show you respect - for your personal space, your independence, and your vulnerability - especially then, respect yourself by taking action and not allowing things to get worse.

This post's INSPIRATION is on: women empowerment and respect for yourself!

#womenempowerment #respect